DONE!

      Ok, this is a RANT about my brother. Let me just say, off the bat, I love my brother. He is a real people person and he's very respectful when it comes to relationships. That being said, here are all the things that REALLY piss me off about him.
     My mom works her ASS off. She provides everything for this family. I pay her when I can, a hundred here, fifty bucks there, seventy-five bucks, whatever. I give her everything I can. I work 4-5 days a week, if I can get an extra shift, 8-9 hours a day.
     My brother does NOTHING. He has NO job, so that means no money to fix the free car he was given. No money to pay his 90 dollar phone bill every month, or his car insurance, or all the f*cking food he scarfs down every single day. He has NO ambition, no goals in life apparently, and absolutely NO thought or care for his family, AKA mom and myself. Church member needs help? SURE! He's got a ride to go help lay sod at church for 6 hours. Oh, this family needs help fixing their roof?? I'M ON IT! Has no issue walking 2 miles to someone's house to fix a roof for over a month and getting paid 100 bucks.
"Patrick, can you put away the clean dishes?" OH HELL NO!! How DARE we ask HIM
to put away the dishes WE washed. I asked him to put them away tonight, and he looks at me and says "I'm making food" aka there was a hot pocket rotating in the microwave, and he was standing in his room scratching his ass. I mean HELLO!?
     I work from 7-330 today, get home and he's nowhere to be found, and the kitchen is a wreck. I'm so sick of having to bust my ass all day, as is my mom, and she works more than I do, and then coming home and having to clean all this shit that should be cleaned by someone who lives here, eats all the food, completely f*cks the place up, and then is gone all day. He is at home ALL DAY doing JACKSHIT and yet mom and I are the ones who have to come home and clean the living room and the kitchen and the bathrooms. He REFUSES to do ANY work whatsoever in this house.
     I don't understand the level of selfishness and disrespect and complete indifference that he has reached. Since when do single parents pay for EVERYTHING for you and you can't even help around the damn house, and then you get pissy and get attitude whenever you're asked to do something. I don't f*cking understand it. It pisses me off to the point where I can't even be nice to my own brother anymore. I NEVER have anything nice to say to him, I'm pissed off and bitchy all the time because he makes me so angry and mad I just want to cry.
     I really wish a hard dose of reality will punch him in the face and f*ck him up because he needs it. He is supposed to go to training in September for the Army, originally it was June, but he changed it. So that means another 6 MONTHS of NO JOB, no money, and no help keeping this place clean or walking the dogs or anything. I can't take it anymore. I want to move out so bad it hurts my heart. I could live with my mom forever, but my brother needs to go. I feel really, really bad for my mom. She works so hard, and we're 19 and 23, still living with her. I can't even imagine what that must feel like for her.
     All in all, I love my brother because he's my only sibling, and my family, but I f*cking hate everything about him right now.

Geez

     Soooooo today was interesting. I shaved down a DISGUSTING cocker spaniel at work today. (Snickers, for those of you who follow this and KNOW who I'm talking about.) FYI: This lady asks her dogs questions, and then makes voices for her dogs, and answers her own questions in a high octave, pretending to be her dogs. I cannot make these things up.
     So, he's disgusting. Ew. I needed to disinfect my eyes after grooming that thing. So I get home, mom made an awesome meal. Delish!
     I'm sitting on the couch, my mom and bro are standing in the kitchen, and my mom goes to sit down on a cooler. Which has wheels. And it slips out from under her, and crashes into the baker's rack, which is holding 4 shelves of glass bowls, teapots, candles, martini glasses, candle holders, plates and various other ornaments. All of these come crashing down on my mom, my brother runs over to her and stands over her, shielding her (How sweet-really) as I watch in horror as glass and stuff falls around them.
     So, I put rubbing alcohol on my mom's various cuts, while she screams at me, and I put band aids on her. Patrick starts cleaning up the glass that is EVERYWHERE. Let's just say two glasses, a candle, the Magic Bullet and her new crock pot made it. Everything else, including the shelves, is history...
     Honestly, it was a slow-motion horrifying thing to witness. As mad as I get at my brother sometimes, the random, scarce, acts of love I see him perform tends to make me overlook that. Briefly. But I love my family.
     Also, I want a new job. Anyone know of any openings??

Loved and Lost: Part 3

     It was interesting to go into work today and talk about what happened with my co workers. A lot of them have had family members pass, and they've often had dreams here and there of their loved ones. I was never really aware that a lot of people read my blog, but it makes me happy to know that people do.
      Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm not the type of person to cry and blub at work, I HATE attention being drawn to me, but I just couldn't help myself today. A lot of things were working themselves through my mind: Right and wrong, love and hate, pain, joy, emotions. I couldn't keep them all under control and the tears would start flowing.
     If there's one thing I can say about all this, it is Thank You, to my mom. My mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She's strong, determined and ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. I can't wait to get on the phone and talk to her, to tell her the stories of my day, to ask her opinion on anything. This subject about my dad, I know, is extremely difficult for her to talk about, even though she doesn't show it or act like it. But, when I needed to talk about it, she was all ears. I love her so much and I cannot imagine my life without my mom. She is the stronghold of my family and no matter how lazy I am, how many times I mess up, or if I make her mad, there is nothing that could change her unwavering love for me, and for that I am forever grateful.

Loved and Lost: Part 2.

     In the previous post, I really forgot to clarify what my dream was about, and why it struck me the way it did. All the information I put in the previous entry kind of stemmed from the dream itself, and that's why it's so vivid in my mind.
      The dream was so normal- My dad was sitting in my mom's room. My mom was sitting next to him, and she was smiling. Even in the dream, it wasn't my "Parent's bedroom" it was my mom's. This is because in the dream, my dad really had been gone for quite some time. I was 23, it was another normal day, and there's my dad, looking exactly as he should.
     I remember asking him in the dream where he'd been... It was like he was gone, but not dead, for the past nine years. This is what he told me, and this is why I'm so emotional over it. He said that he had been thinking, and figuring things out, and trying to find better ways of doing things in his life so that he could do them with his family. He told me this, in my dream: He said "Cait, I wish that I could take back all the things I did in the past, that I could find a way to turn them all around. I wish I could..." And then I woke up.
     It's unbelievable how much I feel like it wasn't just an ordinary dream, that it was some kind of message from my dad. I know it sounds insane and crazy to think like that, I'm not a spiritual person so to speak, but it didn't feel like an ordinary jumble of random thoughts throughout the day. It was so much deeper and more personal. I believe I had that dream to remind me that my dad, although wrong in many ways during his life, wasn't a bad person, the way I had felt about him after he had died. He made serious mistakes, like a lot of other people do, and I think that if he were here with us today, if he had a second chance, he really would have turned himself around. I truly believe that, and I miss him.

Loved and Lost

     So I was asleep. It's almost 1am, I have to be up for work in 4 hours. What woke me was a dream I just had. It was an extremely vivid and realistic dream about my dad.
     It feels weird to say Dad, because I haven't been able to say it in 9 years. I woke up and started crying, I guess my memories of him are so much more vivid than I thought.
     My dad wasn't perfect, what parent is? He did some things during his life that hurt people he loved, both emotionally and mentally. But everyone gets hurt at some point in their lives. The one thing I would never question about my dad is that he loved my family unconditionally, his brother and sisters and especially my brother and myself. His priorities for his own life were never really organized in a way that worked for him or for my family and I feel I'm in a similar ship.
      At his funeral, a woman (who isn't important enough to remember) came up to me and said she felt sorry that I would never have my dad to walk me down the isle at my wedding. At the time I was 14 so it confused me but also hurt and annoyed me. Now I think back on it, and it makes me a little angry. Yeah, it was a while ago, but who says things like that at someone's funeral?  
     I can't go back to sleep, and I've never really mentioned anything about my dad to anyone, and I feel it's an insult to his memory. I think for me, when the subject comes up, I explain what happened and dismiss it from my memory, and there are several personal reasons for that. However, the love that I felt during my dream, when I saw his face like he was standing right infront of me for real, has made me realize that I've actually buried my emotions and my feelings about him in a negative way, and I never should have done that. No one does things right all the time, and even though they hurt you unintentionally, you can never stop loving them.
      I miss being able to say Daddy, I miss his smile, the way he sat when he drove the car, the wrinkles by his eyes when he laughed, the nickname "Pumpkin" he had for me, and the way I used to hold onto his pinky finger wherever we went.
     Now that I've blubbed enough, I'll try to sleep :)

How Perfect!

     So this was my Horoscope for today- How appropriately fitting for my dietary struggles!!

Your patience and your perseverance may be tested today, Capricorn, because you'll need to keep moving forward even though the going may be very difficult. It's important for you to look for small signs of progress, rather than expecting sudden success today. It's important for you to keep your focus on the goal ahead, and believe in yourself, so that you can shake off the worry that comes from trying to gain the approval of others. Don't take on others problems, and you can reach your goals.

 

     I thought this was interesting, every part of it is right lol weird, huh?? Just keeps me motivated :D

Stuff

     So at work we have new students learning how to groom. It's always interesting watching them ask questions, and I even learn new stuff every time I observe. I think I've been grooming long enough to be able to tell who is cut out for it, and who isn't. It's never anything personal, just some people can do the job and some can't. I was 99% sure I was not going to be a good groomer,  but I'm an excellent groomer. I'm slow, but I'm good. It's a hard job, and it sucks. The patience level you have to have is unbelievably high, or you'll lose it.
    Anyways, today work was slow, so I went home. It's good because I really need to clean and do laundry, bad because I need the money. You get one or the other, unfortunately.
     I've been doing good, back on my diet the way I should be, gym trips way more frequently. Everyone has their slip ups, you just have to ignore it and move on, keep going as if nothing happened. That's what I'm doing!

Random?

     I'm sitting here watching a comedian on comedy central. Some insane dude wearing a weird hat, he might be on something, who knows? He's talking about how women are fast at texting, and how he doesn't know how to text, so when he doesn't answer her right away, she flips shit. It makes me laugh because it's true... Guys don't like to text, girls do, we're better at it in general because we care about it, guys could care less. I'm not creepy psycho about not getting answered back, whatever, you got shit going on, so do I. I know this is a weird post but hey, I'm a random thinker.
    I should be cleaning my room, and doing laundry. And a lot of other things I'm not doing because I'm horribly lazy. All three of our dogs are in my room, as well as my brother. Staring at me. Awkward.
     Last night there were several NCIS episodes on ( I <3 NCIS ) and right after that Raw: WWE came on. Snookie was the guest, it was hysterical. I have to say though, the best part of WWE last night was the video of The Rock in the beginning.... I'm sorry, he's UNBELIEVABLY sexy. Period... I have to go now.

The right track

     So today I realized that I have been seriously slacking on my diet and my promises to myself. I tried to make up reasonable excuses and began to get really mad at myself. I'm just a creature of habit, it's hard to break me out of what I'm already comfortable in. See what I did there? Although true, it's another excuse. So I'm writing down a to-do list and making sure I complete it tomorrow. I'm hopefully taking mom out to lunch and getting things back in order tomorrow.
     I don't know if anybody else feels the way I do, but if my room/car is messy, then I feel like my entire life is unorganized, and I cannot seem to function properly. Sad thing is, I don't want to clean my room or my car, but I desperately want for them to be clean.
     I have one month exactly to lose as much weight as possible before my trip to New York City. I'm glad to write this down because I can read it every day and remind myself why I'm doing this. I have had a lot of support and so far have lost 28 pounds, and somewhere along the line I go back to my old ways, ignoring how far I've come. I don't understand myself at all when it comes to that, when I think of how far I've come and then realize I started to tear it apart. I despise myself for that, and it's downhill from there. I wish I were a stronger person. I have all the right reasons and motivations to keep this going, so why can't I do it?

Really?

     Today I was cut off by a bunch of losers in a shitty mazda. They were at a stop sign, and decided to pull out infront of me as I was getting ready to pass them. I did not have a stop sign. Needless to say, I came within inches of hitting the side of their car, all the guys staring at ME incredulously. I was mad, but as Courtnee will tell you, that shit happens to me all the time, so I blew it off. ( I tend to get over certain things pretty quickly.) We wound up next to each other at a red light, both our windows down. All of a sudden, homeboy in the backseat of the mazda is yelling loudly about how ugly the wheels (rims) on my car are, and something about my HIDs (Whitish/blue headlights.) Now mind you, picture this, he is sitting in the backseat of a busted vehicle, telling ME how crappy MY upgrades on MY car are.

a.) Where the hell is YOUR car?
b.) I'm pretty sure YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS almost caused the accident.
c.) I work hard for what I have. That car and EVERYTHING in it and on it I bought.

     Basically, I'm proud and extremely lucky to have the car that I have, and the few luxury items that I was able to purchase for it. Obviously, I can't have everything done to my car that I want. So that whole incident had me thinking: Is that really what people are like? They're so insecure in what they don't have that they trash you for what you do have? I guess that can be applied in many situations, but what does that say about that person? I kind of strayed from my story, but my thoughts take so many turns it takes a while for me to get back to my original point.
     I'm thinking another post is coming very soon, as it's nice to write these things down instead of shove them into the corners of my crowded mind.

How do you begin to explain...?

I started this blog because great friends and members of my family have done so, and I enjoy reading their thoughts, views and experiences. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be writing about on this thing, just know the postings will be completely random and may not make sense. They could be serious, they could be funny, they could be confusing,... Just know this: The things you will be reading are things that are on my mind all the time, and they're ready to bust out, so you've been warned :D