It was interesting to go into work today and talk about what happened with my co workers. A lot of them have had family members pass, and they've often had dreams here and there of their loved ones. I was never really aware that a lot of people read my blog, but it makes me happy to know that people do.
Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm not the type of person to cry and blub at work, I HATE attention being drawn to me, but I just couldn't help myself today. A lot of things were working themselves through my mind: Right and wrong, love and hate, pain, joy, emotions. I couldn't keep them all under control and the tears would start flowing.
If there's one thing I can say about all this, it is Thank You, to my mom. My mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She's strong, determined and ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. I can't wait to get on the phone and talk to her, to tell her the stories of my day, to ask her opinion on anything. This subject about my dad, I know, is extremely difficult for her to talk about, even though she doesn't show it or act like it. But, when I needed to talk about it, she was all ears. I love her so much and I cannot imagine my life without my mom. She is the stronghold of my family and no matter how lazy I am, how many times I mess up, or if I make her mad, there is nothing that could change her unwavering love for me, and for that I am forever grateful.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Loved and Lost: Part 2.
In the previous post, I really forgot to clarify what my dream was about, and why it struck me the way it did. All the information I put in the previous entry kind of stemmed from the dream itself, and that's why it's so vivid in my mind.
The dream was so normal- My dad was sitting in my mom's room. My mom was sitting next to him, and she was smiling. Even in the dream, it wasn't my "Parent's bedroom" it was my mom's. This is because in the dream, my dad really had been gone for quite some time. I was 23, it was another normal day, and there's my dad, looking exactly as he should.
I remember asking him in the dream where he'd been... It was like he was gone, but not dead, for the past nine years. This is what he told me, and this is why I'm so emotional over it. He said that he had been thinking, and figuring things out, and trying to find better ways of doing things in his life so that he could do them with his family. He told me this, in my dream: He said "Cait, I wish that I could take back all the things I did in the past, that I could find a way to turn them all around. I wish I could..." And then I woke up.
It's unbelievable how much I feel like it wasn't just an ordinary dream, that it was some kind of message from my dad. I know it sounds insane and crazy to think like that, I'm not a spiritual person so to speak, but it didn't feel like an ordinary jumble of random thoughts throughout the day. It was so much deeper and more personal. I believe I had that dream to remind me that my dad, although wrong in many ways during his life, wasn't a bad person, the way I had felt about him after he had died. He made serious mistakes, like a lot of other people do, and I think that if he were here with us today, if he had a second chance, he really would have turned himself around. I truly believe that, and I miss him.
The dream was so normal- My dad was sitting in my mom's room. My mom was sitting next to him, and she was smiling. Even in the dream, it wasn't my "Parent's bedroom" it was my mom's. This is because in the dream, my dad really had been gone for quite some time. I was 23, it was another normal day, and there's my dad, looking exactly as he should.
I remember asking him in the dream where he'd been... It was like he was gone, but not dead, for the past nine years. This is what he told me, and this is why I'm so emotional over it. He said that he had been thinking, and figuring things out, and trying to find better ways of doing things in his life so that he could do them with his family. He told me this, in my dream: He said "Cait, I wish that I could take back all the things I did in the past, that I could find a way to turn them all around. I wish I could..." And then I woke up.
It's unbelievable how much I feel like it wasn't just an ordinary dream, that it was some kind of message from my dad. I know it sounds insane and crazy to think like that, I'm not a spiritual person so to speak, but it didn't feel like an ordinary jumble of random thoughts throughout the day. It was so much deeper and more personal. I believe I had that dream to remind me that my dad, although wrong in many ways during his life, wasn't a bad person, the way I had felt about him after he had died. He made serious mistakes, like a lot of other people do, and I think that if he were here with us today, if he had a second chance, he really would have turned himself around. I truly believe that, and I miss him.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Loved and Lost
So I was asleep. It's almost 1am, I have to be up for work in 4 hours. What woke me was a dream I just had. It was an extremely vivid and realistic dream about my dad.
It feels weird to say Dad, because I haven't been able to say it in 9 years. I woke up and started crying, I guess my memories of him are so much more vivid than I thought.
My dad wasn't perfect, what parent is? He did some things during his life that hurt people he loved, both emotionally and mentally. But everyone gets hurt at some point in their lives. The one thing I would never question about my dad is that he loved my family unconditionally, his brother and sisters and especially my brother and myself. His priorities for his own life were never really organized in a way that worked for him or for my family and I feel I'm in a similar ship.
At his funeral, a woman (who isn't important enough to remember) came up to me and said she felt sorry that I would never have my dad to walk me down the isle at my wedding. At the time I was 14 so it confused me but also hurt and annoyed me. Now I think back on it, and it makes me a little angry. Yeah, it was a while ago, but who says things like that at someone's funeral?
I can't go back to sleep, and I've never really mentioned anything about my dad to anyone, and I feel it's an insult to his memory. I think for me, when the subject comes up, I explain what happened and dismiss it from my memory, and there are several personal reasons for that. However, the love that I felt during my dream, when I saw his face like he was standing right infront of me for real, has made me realize that I've actually buried my emotions and my feelings about him in a negative way, and I never should have done that. No one does things right all the time, and even though they hurt you unintentionally, you can never stop loving them.
I miss being able to say Daddy, I miss his smile, the way he sat when he drove the car, the wrinkles by his eyes when he laughed, the nickname "Pumpkin" he had for me, and the way I used to hold onto his pinky finger wherever we went.
Now that I've blubbed enough, I'll try to sleep :)
It feels weird to say Dad, because I haven't been able to say it in 9 years. I woke up and started crying, I guess my memories of him are so much more vivid than I thought.
My dad wasn't perfect, what parent is? He did some things during his life that hurt people he loved, both emotionally and mentally. But everyone gets hurt at some point in their lives. The one thing I would never question about my dad is that he loved my family unconditionally, his brother and sisters and especially my brother and myself. His priorities for his own life were never really organized in a way that worked for him or for my family and I feel I'm in a similar ship.
At his funeral, a woman (who isn't important enough to remember) came up to me and said she felt sorry that I would never have my dad to walk me down the isle at my wedding. At the time I was 14 so it confused me but also hurt and annoyed me. Now I think back on it, and it makes me a little angry. Yeah, it was a while ago, but who says things like that at someone's funeral?
I can't go back to sleep, and I've never really mentioned anything about my dad to anyone, and I feel it's an insult to his memory. I think for me, when the subject comes up, I explain what happened and dismiss it from my memory, and there are several personal reasons for that. However, the love that I felt during my dream, when I saw his face like he was standing right infront of me for real, has made me realize that I've actually buried my emotions and my feelings about him in a negative way, and I never should have done that. No one does things right all the time, and even though they hurt you unintentionally, you can never stop loving them.
I miss being able to say Daddy, I miss his smile, the way he sat when he drove the car, the wrinkles by his eyes when he laughed, the nickname "Pumpkin" he had for me, and the way I used to hold onto his pinky finger wherever we went.
Now that I've blubbed enough, I'll try to sleep :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How Perfect!
So this was my Horoscope for today- How appropriately fitting for my dietary struggles!!
Your patience and your perseverance may be tested today, Capricorn, because you'll need to keep moving forward even though the going may be very difficult. It's important for you to look for small signs of progress, rather than expecting sudden success today. It's important for you to keep your focus on the goal ahead, and believe in yourself, so that you can shake off the worry that comes from trying to gain the approval of others. Don't take on others problems, and you can reach your goals.
I thought this was interesting, every part of it is right lol weird, huh?? Just keeps me motivated :D
Stuff
So at work we have new students learning how to groom. It's always interesting watching them ask questions, and I even learn new stuff every time I observe. I think I've been grooming long enough to be able to tell who is cut out for it, and who isn't. It's never anything personal, just some people can do the job and some can't. I was 99% sure I was not going to be a good groomer, but I'm an excellent groomer. I'm slow, but I'm good. It's a hard job, and it sucks. The patience level you have to have is unbelievably high, or you'll lose it.
Anyways, today work was slow, so I went home. It's good because I really need to clean and do laundry, bad because I need the money. You get one or the other, unfortunately.
I've been doing good, back on my diet the way I should be, gym trips way more frequently. Everyone has their slip ups, you just have to ignore it and move on, keep going as if nothing happened. That's what I'm doing!
Anyways, today work was slow, so I went home. It's good because I really need to clean and do laundry, bad because I need the money. You get one or the other, unfortunately.
I've been doing good, back on my diet the way I should be, gym trips way more frequently. Everyone has their slip ups, you just have to ignore it and move on, keep going as if nothing happened. That's what I'm doing!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Random?
I'm sitting here watching a comedian on comedy central. Some insane dude wearing a weird hat, he might be on something, who knows? He's talking about how women are fast at texting, and how he doesn't know how to text, so when he doesn't answer her right away, she flips shit. It makes me laugh because it's true... Guys don't like to text, girls do, we're better at it in general because we care about it, guys could care less. I'm not creepy psycho about not getting answered back, whatever, you got shit going on, so do I. I know this is a weird post but hey, I'm a random thinker.
I should be cleaning my room, and doing laundry. And a lot of other things I'm not doing because I'm horribly lazy. All three of our dogs are in my room, as well as my brother. Staring at me. Awkward.
Last night there were several NCIS episodes on ( I <3 NCIS ) and right after that Raw: WWE came on. Snookie was the guest, it was hysterical. I have to say though, the best part of WWE last night was the video of The Rock in the beginning.... I'm sorry, he's UNBELIEVABLY sexy. Period... I have to go now.
I should be cleaning my room, and doing laundry. And a lot of other things I'm not doing because I'm horribly lazy. All three of our dogs are in my room, as well as my brother. Staring at me. Awkward.
Last night there were several NCIS episodes on ( I <3 NCIS ) and right after that Raw: WWE came on. Snookie was the guest, it was hysterical. I have to say though, the best part of WWE last night was the video of The Rock in the beginning.... I'm sorry, he's UNBELIEVABLY sexy. Period... I have to go now.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The right track
So today I realized that I have been seriously slacking on my diet and my promises to myself. I tried to make up reasonable excuses and began to get really mad at myself. I'm just a creature of habit, it's hard to break me out of what I'm already comfortable in. See what I did there? Although true, it's another excuse. So I'm writing down a to-do list and making sure I complete it tomorrow. I'm hopefully taking mom out to lunch and getting things back in order tomorrow.
I don't know if anybody else feels the way I do, but if my room/car is messy, then I feel like my entire life is unorganized, and I cannot seem to function properly. Sad thing is, I don't want to clean my room or my car, but I desperately want for them to be clean.
I have one month exactly to lose as much weight as possible before my trip to New York City. I'm glad to write this down because I can read it every day and remind myself why I'm doing this. I have had a lot of support and so far have lost 28 pounds, and somewhere along the line I go back to my old ways, ignoring how far I've come. I don't understand myself at all when it comes to that, when I think of how far I've come and then realize I started to tear it apart. I despise myself for that, and it's downhill from there. I wish I were a stronger person. I have all the right reasons and motivations to keep this going, so why can't I do it?
I don't know if anybody else feels the way I do, but if my room/car is messy, then I feel like my entire life is unorganized, and I cannot seem to function properly. Sad thing is, I don't want to clean my room or my car, but I desperately want for them to be clean.
I have one month exactly to lose as much weight as possible before my trip to New York City. I'm glad to write this down because I can read it every day and remind myself why I'm doing this. I have had a lot of support and so far have lost 28 pounds, and somewhere along the line I go back to my old ways, ignoring how far I've come. I don't understand myself at all when it comes to that, when I think of how far I've come and then realize I started to tear it apart. I despise myself for that, and it's downhill from there. I wish I were a stronger person. I have all the right reasons and motivations to keep this going, so why can't I do it?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Really?
Today I was cut off by a bunch of losers in a shitty mazda. They were at a stop sign, and decided to pull out infront of me as I was getting ready to pass them. I did not have a stop sign. Needless to say, I came within inches of hitting the side of their car, all the guys staring at ME incredulously. I was mad, but as Courtnee will tell you, that shit happens to me all the time, so I blew it off. ( I tend to get over certain things pretty quickly.) We wound up next to each other at a red light, both our windows down. All of a sudden, homeboy in the backseat of the mazda is yelling loudly about how ugly the wheels (rims) on my car are, and something about my HIDs (Whitish/blue headlights.) Now mind you, picture this, he is sitting in the backseat of a busted vehicle, telling ME how crappy MY upgrades on MY car are.
a.) Where the hell is YOUR car?
b.) I'm pretty sure YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS almost caused the accident.
c.) I work hard for what I have. That car and EVERYTHING in it and on it I bought.
Basically, I'm proud and extremely lucky to have the car that I have, and the few luxury items that I was able to purchase for it. Obviously, I can't have everything done to my car that I want. So that whole incident had me thinking: Is that really what people are like? They're so insecure in what they don't have that they trash you for what you do have? I guess that can be applied in many situations, but what does that say about that person? I kind of strayed from my story, but my thoughts take so many turns it takes a while for me to get back to my original point.
I'm thinking another post is coming very soon, as it's nice to write these things down instead of shove them into the corners of my crowded mind.
a.) Where the hell is YOUR car?
b.) I'm pretty sure YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS almost caused the accident.
c.) I work hard for what I have. That car and EVERYTHING in it and on it I bought.
Basically, I'm proud and extremely lucky to have the car that I have, and the few luxury items that I was able to purchase for it. Obviously, I can't have everything done to my car that I want. So that whole incident had me thinking: Is that really what people are like? They're so insecure in what they don't have that they trash you for what you do have? I guess that can be applied in many situations, but what does that say about that person? I kind of strayed from my story, but my thoughts take so many turns it takes a while for me to get back to my original point.
I'm thinking another post is coming very soon, as it's nice to write these things down instead of shove them into the corners of my crowded mind.
How do you begin to explain...?
I started this blog because great friends and members of my family have done so, and I enjoy reading their thoughts, views and experiences. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be writing about on this thing, just know the postings will be completely random and may not make sense. They could be serious, they could be funny, they could be confusing,... Just know this: The things you will be reading are things that are on my mind all the time, and they're ready to bust out, so you've been warned :D
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